Sleep has been elusive. This morning I was awake at 2:15 am. It’s like someone turned a switch on inside me and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I am so tired my eyeballs hurt. Typically I begin dozing off again around 4 am but my alarm is set to 4:30 am for 5:00 am OrangeTheory and as I wrote yesterday, going fills my bucket.

I haven’t slept well in what seems like weeks. I talked to my doctor about it and he mansplained how to fall back asleep. Yes, I know I shouldn’t look at my phone but when you are lying there wide awake for 45 minutes; what else is there to do? Ugh. The kiss of death is falling asleep with one of the boys. Inevitably, I get woken up in the middle of the night and try to make it back to my bed, which might as well be like drinking a cup of coffee.

I don’t really know the purpose of writing this. Maybe I need to set better intentions and habits. Sleep with headphones next to me because books on tape are great for making me fall back asleep, not guaranteed, but better than nothing. I am hoping this weekend I can catch up a bit. The lack of sleep is unsustainable and it does not make me happy.


Lately, I have been thinking about my happiness. What makes me happy? Life has been hard these past couple of years. Covid did a number on my mental health. There was a time when I would have said running made me happy. That isn’t the case anymore.

Today, OrangeTheory makes me happy. Not just for the workout but for the people. I have made many friends/acquaintances there and always feel welcomed and like I can be myself. Especially with my friends, I can go to them and be honest about what is going on without fear of judgement. We have gotten to know each other well and have supported each other through this high anxiety/depression post-Covid world.

You have to be a special kind of crazy to regularly commit to 5 am workouts. But rare is the day when I don’t leave the studio smiling. I am grateful for them and they definitely make me happy.

Four years

I can’t believe four years have gone by without writing. When Covid initially hit, I thought I should use this platform as a journal of the experience. I wish I had, but I also know I didn’t have the time. Overnight I became a teacher, cook, housekeeper all while working full time. It was overwhelming.

Now I am just looking for happiness. I don’t set big audacious goals anymore. I ran the 50 miler, stopped doing Crossfit, and started doing OrangeTheory. I didn’t complete most of my 40 before 40 goals, honestly some of them I can’t even relate to anymore. My 40th was spent in my house doing nothing special. If you know me and know how much I love my birthday – it’s a big fucking deal. It’s been a very long four years since I wrote on here. I am not sure what direction I will take this blog in but I do know I want to write more so for now it will be just my ramblings.